I've been on an extended vacation for a year now due to my move from Australia to the US, and the subsequent wait involved in obtaining the proper authorisation to stay here legally, as well as work. About a month ago I finally recieved my work authorisation, and the coveted green card should be here in another month or two. Since then I've been in that soul-shattering vortex known as the job hunt.
Well, not long after beginning my search I was lucky enough to be invited by an employment agency to come try-out (Yes, try-out. There was no interview involved, just some tests) for a position at FedEx. All went smoothly....but little did I know the hellish ass-raping I was in for.
I was informed that FedEx do a thorough background check of prospective employees, and they would need proof of my graduation from high school, proof of employment at my last 3 jobs (which happened to be on 2 different continents to the one i currently reside on), as well as take a drug test. Fine, I should be able to make that happen, I naively thought. Then the fun really began.
First thing first, the drug test. Apart from a little performance anxiety, I peed in their little cup, and was on my merry way. The drug test comes back clean, and all is well in the world (kids, say no to drugs), so on to the next step.
I got a scan of my high school diploma sent to me, which I forwarded to the background checkers; we'll call them The Assholes, for argument's sake. Well, that wasn't going to be enough for the assholes, they need a transcript of the classes I took as well as my grades. Now, keep in mind I finished high school over a decade ago and I was really confused as to why that would matter, what with all the subsequent work experience I had. I soon found out that logic doesn't work on these people. Well, from my seat here in sunny California I managed to track down a transcript back in Australia and have it sent to the assholes. Crisis averted....I thought. Now they'd like a number they can call so they can verify the information as they're "having trouble" tracking down my high school. Well, about 3 nanoseconds later I get the phone number they had so much trouble finding on MY HIGH SCHOOL'S WEBSITE. I'm not sure anyone's told these guys about google.
Next I had to send proof of my 3 previous jobs. They had the names and addresses of all the companies, can they not just call the HR departments and check it out? No, that would be too easy. After a bunch of heartache on my part, as well as some expensive phone calls to Australia and Europe, i manage to get some documents from my previous employers. Cool? No. Now they're having trouble tracking down my employers to verify the information. By this stage I'm ready to punch someone, considering 2 of the companies are multi-national corporations whch can be found in a heartbeat. Another 3 nanosecond consultation with the internets and the assholes have 3 phone numbers to call. Seriously, they advertise the internet on TV, how have these people not heard of it?
Now, at this stage I don't have a Social Security number, and was told by immigration that I won't be able to get one until I have my green card. It turns out that I am actually eligable to get one with my work permit. Sweet, off to Social Security to sign myself up. Now the assholes tell me they need the SS number to do a trace on my previous residences. I pointed out that, if it wasn't already abundantly clear, I haven't actually had any previous residences, and I've never even had an SS number before, meaning their trace would come up blank. Again, silly me with the logic. They'll look into it and see what they can do..........which turns out to be nothing. I get a phone call from the employment agency telling me that without an SS number they won't hire me. So all that crap was for nothing? I peed in your little cup and this is the thanks I get?
Needless to say, I was gutted. During all this debacle, I was steady applying for jobs, but not hearing a squeek from anyone. Now that my backup had fallen through, I was back to the dreaded prospect of being penniless for indefinate period of time, and nothing on the horizon. Awesome. Life was sucking super hard.
Well, this morning I dragged my sorry carcass out of bed, and went through the routine of dredging the job sites for what meager offerings were to be had. As I went to get my cereal I noticed there was a message on the answering machine. It was the employment agency I applied to for the FedEx job. I figured the bird had found a new job for me to go for. Great, I get to go through all of this a second time. Yipee!
No, as it turns out FedEx are going to give me the job anyway! Why? I have no idea, but HOO-FUCKING-RAY! The sun in shining and life is good again! I start on Monday and although I will soon be cursing full time employment, fuck it, I got a job, bitches! I'll finally have a steady paycheck again!
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On a side note, I also discovered my new favorite band Klaxons.
They're fucking awesome and you need to listen to their music over and over like I have been this morning.
2 comments:
i was wondering about that! with all the background checks that you were going for, i wondered what job you were trying to get! congrats! is it good pay at least? oh yea, i hate fedex though. remember that one time i was selling all those graf mags? well fed ex left it at the door of hte purchaser even though they were home and it got stolen. not only that but fed ex left my digital camera at my apt door one year and that got stolen too! OH and on christmas, it cost me $50 just to send out a package! ass rapings!
but congrats anyway!!! :)
dirty rascals! I'm glad shite has worked out for you, old friend.
and in the words of morrissey:
"..I was looking for a job and then I found a job, and heaven knows i'm miserable now.."
ps. listen to CRYSTAL CASTLES. they are rad
Tysoner
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